When you first learn a new topic in school, it initially seems like you can understand everything. Everything the notes say seem to make perfect sense and it feels as though everything is just common sense. You feel so clever. That's because you're just learning of the part that you have already heard from other places, just a part of your general knowledge. The very fundamental portion of your subject of inquiry, where as a person, we will interact with every day of our lives.

Then the second stage kicks in. Perhaps it is a line you do not understand, or a statement that seems to contradict what rules you know that seem to govern the subject at hand. The more you try to puzzle it out the more contradictory it becomes. Why can't i make head or tail of this confounded line? You have become stupider. Wasn't everything much simpler when you understood what little you knew? Did it not work as fine? Sometimes it feels as though the more that you learn the worse you become at it. Now even simple things seem difficult, logical sequences get out of hand as you try in vain to apply whatever new rules you thought you had learnt. Maybe you'd wish you were back at the simple stage, but it is impossible now, there's simply no way to return to where you had come from, to go back to where things were simple. Like a flower blooming to the sun, there is no way you can close yourself away from the light of knowledge, no way you can prevent it from illuminating your inadequacies, your ignorance, your inabilities.

Finally, the third phase kicks in. Similar to the second phase, it is usually triggered, like a hand groping in the dark and finally finding its owner's spectacles, by the sudden capture of a thought or idea. More often than not, it is like putting on a pair of glasses. Suddenly everything becomes clear. It is a change in mindset. Whether powered by thoughts that push everything together in the right direction, or by suddenly realising the deeper meaning behind a formula, suddenly everything seems simple again. The world opens up. The sunflower does not fear the sun. (Yes, Robert Jordan loves his descriptive language.)

And I believe that this cycle permeates every aspect of our lives. It happens in studies, in our lives in general, for me, in basketball, even something trivial like DotA.

And the trick of the thing is this. Just as life is born out of death, the cycle of adeptness rolls as it rolls. Very soon, when you thought that you had everything figured out, you're going to realize that slowly, inexorably, things start to become out of sync again. Oops, you're in another funk.

Thankfully, this is not consistent. The linearity of the three phases of adeptness is debatable. Within the limits of my experience, I have found that adeptness is linear in things like studies, meaning that... No, that's all wrong.

It is not the linearity of the three phases of adeptness that's debatable but the number of dimensions that adeptness exists in. In other words, does the cycle of adeptness exist as a circle, or a spiral? Like a ring or a spring? Arguments abound for both theories. Let me state a few examples.

To focus on a simple topic, say Physics. I have always found the cycle to be that of a spiral. Meaning that whatever revelations I have, will not conflict with what I learn in the future. When I have achieved full understanding of a topic, it does not morph itself into something unfathomable again. When I get it, I get it. Once the mind frame is there, you know for sure that it is and will be correct. Once that happens, you can move on to the next topic. In that sense, every additional subject you learn builds upon the previous and so your comprehension and awareness of the topic in general goes up and up. Like a spiral, or a ladder depending on how you think of it.

Now for example number two. Lets look at something very simple this time. So much can be gleaned from playing a simple computer game like dota. You are playing against a very large number of players, and thus you will expect that the overall skill standard to be very consistant. There will always be beginners joining the game, and intermediate players will make up the middle, with just a handful of really top players. every time someone stops playing, somebody starts. It should be consistant. But what is this? you're not. You think you are getting better as you play, and start developing skills, timings, item builds, whatever. But then one fine day, something happens and all of a sudden, you start losing. And losing badly. Why has this happened? you have no idea. Without warning, you are at stage one again. But this shouldn't be the case. When you play, you are comparing yourself against a sample of the whole population of players. Overall you will be playing against their average, and as we have established earlier, that average is consistant. So why do you fluctuate so? Why are you back at where you were before? Why is it a circle.

But there are times too, when this cycle can be broken. When you can, for better or worse, force yourself back to stage one, the easy stage. It is done by remembering the exact frame you had before you started sliding, and focusing yourself back into that frame by the use of key words, or anchors, I guess they would call it in NLP. With these words, and maybe a little imagery, you can enter a frame of mind, a frame you can choose because of its benefits to you. I have tried this in basketball, in roadmarches, and it seems to work. Perhaps this is what one needs sometimes to break out of the circle of adeptness. But before you do that, make sure that what you're in is a circle, and not a spiral.

If anyone reads this and actually understands it, or feels the same way, please drop me a tag.

Oh dear, from what I haver learnt today, I am going to be saddled with lots and lots of work in a rather depressed environment. But I'm going to show them that 80 is a percentile, not a rank!

It's been awhile, and it exciting. Keep in mind: Stupidity is doing the same thing everytime and expecting different results.

Imagine your first day at BMT, or any other new camp.
Then imagine you being the only new guy.

ARGHHH!
I'm going to be overseas for 5 weeks!
thats like one month and one week.
And I'm leaving on the 31st march.
Thats like two weeks away.
I thought I was supposed to be on lull.

Well now. How about that? The end of 38 weeks. Here are a few things that I've brought away from the 9 months.

First and foremost is my bubble of optimism. Whenever I feel like giving up or falling out. I imagine my bubble of optimism and it gives me strength. It allows me to focus and to stay calm and determined. Its the equivalent of Rand's void. It also has the function of drowning out my mind when I'm thinking of things that I'm not supposed to be thinking of. Strangely enough, its origins had nothing to do with army actually, but just that army served to make it a part of me. I'm counting on it to get me through all future trauma i may face.

I guess hand reflexology is another thing I picked up in OCS, especially during joint term. I can now give incompetent hand massages! Just learnt it as something to do to while away hours.

talking muffins, pink fluff, big paos, brown sticks, minefield simians, talking ducks. Simple jokes that aren't funny.

I also now know where Mas Selamat is. He's in our national anthem:

Mari kita rakyat Singapura
Sa Mas Selamat nuju...

Yep, this are the little things you notice when doing 3 weeks of rehersals.

I guess I also learnt a bunch on humor. About how things are funny when you question people's assumptions. Or to seem to think the worst of people by focusing on the wrong parts of their speech. Its coming out all wrong. I can't really explain it. Hopefully I can remember it.

Oh, and another little thing called all the people I met. There's something to be learnt from everyone.

Coincidence is god's way of remaining anonymous.

Not too long ago, I caught 'Leap Years' with friends. It was a pretty good movie, and I would go as far as to say one of the better Singaporean movies. I believe it was based on a book by Catherine lim, a Singaporean author, and everything about it, even the soundtracks by Corrine may (excuse my spelling), was done by local talent. Well done.

Anyway, what I am discussing today came when the guy, on his first date with wong li lin told her that he admired her bravery for not going into relationships out of a fear of loneliness. After the movie, we went to coffee club to discuss the movie and do some general chit-chatting.

Well, I have always felt that many people choose to go into relationships for just that reason: they fear being alone. They want to have someone to fuss over them, to take care of them, or even just to have someone be a part of their lives. Thus they look for a partner who can play that role. One of my friend confirmed that thesis, at least for himself; he misses the feeling of being in a relationship. Not necessarily the feeling of the specific person, but just the idea if being in a relationship.

Perhaps this is nothing more than a manifestation of man's need for companionship, a yearning, like in the movie for the two parts to find each other and become whole again. Just so you'll know and I'd remember, the movie mentioned ancient mythology, where it said that in the beginning, man had two heads, four legs and arms. They could go forwards just as easily as backwards. The gods, being worried of their power, cut them in half, and from then on, man yearned for his other half, to complete himself and become whole again.

Well, I don't feel this urge. I probably did for a little while in the past, but right now its pretty clear. I will never be in a relationship with companionship as my motivation. In fact, I would hesitate to call that love at all. If I were to fall in love with someone, it would have to be something more than that. Much more. What on earth could it be?

I myself do not know. It will not be for companionship, for the above mentioned reason. For personality? I have plenty of friends with whom I click very well and am willing to bare my soul to but yet that doesn't entice me into a relationship. For looks? Now that is a tough one to answer. Any man can testify to the inner implosion an attractive lady causes. It would be a lie to say that I am not attracted to good looking women. Even to the point of insanity. But I would say that that is nothing more than a primal instinct. A pretty damn strong one, but primal nonetheless. Selfishness? No one can have her but me. Could be. Pretty compelling, but that is nothing more than an extension of the fear of loneliness. What if she goes off with someone else and ignores me. I will no longer be able to feel the way I feel when I connect with her.

Maybe the point of love is that someone is able to fulfill all those criteria: Provides good companionship, connects well with you on a mental and spiritual level, and is attractive. but to break love down into these components is so, so, superficial. Is there not something deeper that will make someone truly special? If there is not and I believe there is, does that not make me a hopeless romantic?

Some people say that others cannot get attached because they have too high a standard. I think that this reflects a believe that love is the sum of a series of mental, emotional, and physical equations. What is the missing ingredient? the X-factor that like multiplying something by zero, render all the long tedious calculations redundant? Perhaps there is none. Perhaps that's all there is to love. If so, then I may never fall in love.

Which, haha, might not be a bad thing. I enjoy being my own company very much. With no one to answer to but myself. Maybe its the way I grew up, maybe it is in my genes or maybe I am addicted to it( apparently studies have shown that the part of the brain that lights up with loneliness is very near the part that deals with addiction). Whichever the case, it represents no loss. Either love is ruthlessly darwinistic and there is no real point to it, or that there is a missing factor that will manifest on its own accord. It doesn't matter, going out to seek love will result not result in any benefit at all.

It is seems that, upon deep reflection, nothing really matters at all.

A sword, a bow, a taser gun,
all cause hurt and pain.
the choice of weapon, as good as none,
it all ends the same.

old age, sickness,
even a knock to the head
whether you're neat or make a mess
in the long run, everyone's dead

I. Can't. Help. Playing. With. The. Sword.

This actually doesn't mean alot to me. I don't know why its such a big deal for others. I have no illusions about what I am going to do for the next year. Looks like the brainwashing failed.